Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
