I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
