god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
he fucked my hip out of place.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
