the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
