Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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