Swine flu. Run for my life!
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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