Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
