Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
