Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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