listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
