I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
