I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
