I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
