Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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