Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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