one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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