Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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