my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize