Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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