Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
