Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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