Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You are a genius and a whore.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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