I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
