I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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