Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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