Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
