So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
