this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
