Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
