We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
