The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
