Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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