so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
