and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
