The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
