I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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