i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
