can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize