I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Someone came in the potted fern
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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