i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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