my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
