I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
