I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
