why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The power of my boobs compel you
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
