Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Randomize
