Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
