my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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