I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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