she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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