Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
