Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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