I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
