I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
