You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
