This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
