your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
