listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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